So here goes.
I honestly believe that I'd be miserable, if not for the rush of extreme happiness I feel every second I'm with my boyfriend.
I spend my days working, going on my computer to comb the wall of monotonous and self-absorbed snippets of my friends' and acquaintances' day-to-day lives through Facebook, signing into MSN to, on the off chance, chat to another human being besides my colleagues and parents, and doing nothing of real productivity... when I'm stuck in my stupid, boring, soul-devouring town.
I'll have the odd day where I'll feel a glimmer of my former depression, and I'll regress to being that insecure, self-conscious bundle of misery and loneliness. But, I can handle these days, being not nearly as frequent as they had been previously.
It feels so stupid, getting worked up over a forehead of pimples, fretting about how I look, obsessing about a slight pot-belly, wondering, and getting paranoid about how other people see me. The truth is, no one is as normal as they appear. Everyone has their insecurities, everyone doubts their abilities, doubts their self-worth, and questions their place in the world, yet sometimes we're so wrapped up in our own paranoia to remember, or notice that in no way are we ever alone in what we feel.
But here I am, here we are, standing in front of a mirror, being dissatisfied with our bodies and self-esteem and making sure that the world doesn't notice just how much crooked teeth and a small pimple can undermine our confidence entirely.
Curse you, society, for setting unrealistic standards of beauty, and giving us unrealistic expectations of ourselves, and those around us.
I've gone a bit off track here, but I'm going to stop blame society and get back to my self-indulgent rant.
I've finally realised how people used to see me during that whole phase of my life for the majority of last year (and to a far lesser degree, the majority of my high school life);
whinging about how miserable I was, feeling numb, crying to anyone who would talk to me for more than 5 minutes, and feeling incredibly sorry for myself for months on end - and I realised the pain being 'in love', and rejection can bring
(making me all the more determined to ensure I never have to feel that way ever again, and as long as Scott's around, I won't.)
I've realised this because one of my friends has decided to do the same - seemingly in a far worse state - due to his own broken heart. The same friend in fact, who turned me into that mess of misery, and self-pity.
So as he's pouring his heart out, a part of me is reveling in it. After all, it's payback, right? He deserves it for what he did to me, right? But that's just the spite talking. A part of me is just so thankful that the shoe is on the other foot, now all is right with the world, and I feel there are no incredible injustices any more and the Karmic Gods have shined upon me for whatever reason.
(in this instance, I'm taking on the 'My Name is Earl' interpretation of how negative Karma works)
...
But having known the very same feelings, I just can't feel that much spite, or enjoy it as much as sometimes I'd like to.
Throughout last year, I gained faith in a God, and almost immediately lost it.
I don't feel I'll ever regain it. I still don't understand how a good, just God would allow people to suffer every day as millions do.
(I think God just punished me for saying that by making me tip my entire plate of dinner over the front of myself. o_0)
Anyway.
I usually deal with these old negative feelings by listening to hours worth of The Beatles, and if I'm in the mood, Queen. Mostly because If I was the sort to drown my sorrows in 'Baby' By Justin Bieber, I'd shoot myself in the head.
I've also been thinking about how worrying it is that one person alone, has the power to control your happiness with their mere actions. I have people in my life who hold so much of this power in their hands; if they suddenly decided to leave me forever, it would just shatter me, and the reality is that I rely on people more than anything else to keep my sanity, to allow me to smile, and live my life happily. It's so much power, and sometimes I wonder if the people close to me realise how tight of a hold they have on it. It frightens me. I think I have some kind of eratic phobia of losing people. Sometimes it just consumes me completely.
I'm 99% sure this stems from being bullied for most of my school life by 'friends' and being terrified that these 'friends' will someday abandon me completely, rather than just emotionally abandon me - so naturally, I clung to them, like a sane person... *cough*
So now, having finally made friends who actually treat me as an EQUAL - I'm absolutely GOD DAMN TERRIFIED of them leaving me, more-so than before, because they're people that actually LOVE me! Thanks, former 'FRIENDS'!
*enthusiastic thumbs up*
"I'm dying on the inside"
- Tony the Tiger
(He's a recurring character, I've decided)
Anyway, I'm going on some sort of failed-attempt-at-humour tangent now, SHIT! Musn't let myself get TOO happy!
Eh. Rant over.
Here's some photos that I love from a recent party
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